Background
I originally wrote these thoughts about God’s love on June 6, 2015. Hubby and I had been married for four years, I was in the middle of parenting two stepsons, I had a two-year-old, and another on the way.
I’ve learned even more about love since then (and have added another child to the family since then), and I intend to write more about this journey I’ve been on in future posts, but for now I want to share this. I rarely see this talked about, and I think it’s worth sharing. I have edited slightly for clarity, but that’s all.
“You’ll Never Understand Love Until…”
For all the ridiculous times and places I’ve had people say “you’ll never understand love fully until you have your own children”… I say phooey. I am both a biological mom and a stepmom now, so I guess I have the right to say this. The love is different, yes, but each one has taught me different aspects of my Father’s love. God’s love. And frankly, now I feel a bit sorry for people who only have biological children. I have learned SO much about God’s love for me in this journey of becoming and growing as a stepmom.
Loving Biological Children
With biological children, there is something amazing about the first time you hold that little bundle in your arms.
Knowing it is a piece of you.
Knowing God entrusted you with taking care of someone helpless, dependent, fragile.
Knowing they will need all the love you can offer – and then some.
Knowing that at some point their heart will be broken and there won’t be much you can do to try to ease the hurt.
Knowing it’s your assignment to provide a loving, nurturing environment where they can grow into the people God created them to be.
Knowing that your actions now will either help or hinder that process.
Knowing your own faults and failures, and praying praying praying that God will somehow help the love you have for them to be enough to cover for all the mistakes you will make in the years to come.
Loving Non-biological Children
With non-biological children, there is something amazing about the very CHOICE to love them, and the process of love growing.
Knowing that (at the beginning) they don’t carry pieces of you – yet – but knowing that one day they will.
Knowing God entrusted you with taking care of someone dependent, fragile, broken.
Knowing they will need all the love you can offer – and then some.
Knowing that their heart has already been broken by someone who should have been willing to give up everything for them, and that there isn’t much you can do to try to ease the hurt.
Knowing it’s your assignment to provide a loving, nurturing environment where they can grow into the people God created them to be.
Knowing that your actions now will either help or hinder that process.
Knowing your own faults and failures, and praying praying praying that God will somehow help the love you have for them to be enough to cover for all the mistakes you will make in the years to come.
Raising Biological Children
With biological children, you get to choose most of the influences in their life when they are small.
You get to say “no” to people, books, media, places, events that you think might have the potential to hurt or harm them.
You get to pick the things and people that will mold and shape the way they think, the way they understand life.
You even get to assist their discovery and knowledge about God Himself.
But these children often don’t understand or appreciate the choices you make on their behalf. YOU understand that it’s part of the process of teaching them to make wise decisions for themselves as adults. But they don’t understand that – yet.
Raising Non-biological Children
With non-biological children, they have had a number of influences in their life before you enter it.
You haven’t had the opportunity to say “no” to people, books, media, places, events that have hurt and harmed them.
You haven’t had the opportunity to help shape the way they think, the way they understand life.
And you haven’t been able to assist their discovery and knowledge of God Himself.
And as you try to create a safe and loving and nurturing environment that will allow them to heal and grow, to start saying “no” to bad influences, and “yes” to good ones, they often don’t understand or appreciate the choices you both make, and attempt to teach them HOW to make.
YOU understand that it’s part of the process of teaching them to make wise decisions for themselves as adults. But they don’t understand that – yet.
Understanding Biological Love
With biological children, you understand love in the sense of belonging. Of knowing and in being known. Which is both wonderful and frightening. The first time they say “Ma-ma” or “Da-da”, your heart smiles at their recognition of who you have always been.
Understanding Non-biological Love
With non-biological children, you understand love in the sense of choice and action.
It’s seeing the character and traits that are already there – both the ones you like, and the ones you don’t like. It’s seeing the existing behavior and actions – both good and bad – and choosing to accept and love regardless of either.
It’s realizing that this, THIS, is what God’s love for us is like. “In that while we were yet sinners…” It’s realizing that the package deal isn’t always pretty. It doesn’t always have a bow on top.
It’s realizing that we CHOOSE to be loving even when the feelings sometimes aren’t there. It’s the knowledge of Christ doing the loving thing, taking our place, when we didn’t deserve it, didn’t understand it, maybe didn’t even WANT it.
Which is both wonderful and frightening.
“Beloved, now are we the sons of God.”
It’s in recognizing the brokenness, the fear, even sometimes the rejection, because of them being hurt before. It’s having your heart broken to see the pain in your child’s eyes.
The first time non-biological children say “Mom” or “Dad”, you cry. Because you realize they have chosen to accept you in that role, and that regardless of how they entered your life, you are accepted.
Understanding God’s Love
Different kinds of love? Yes.
Know more about love because of being a biological mom? I’d have to say no. It’s actually the other way around. I think I know more about God’s love for us because of being a stepmom.
Love biological children more than step-children? No.
Differently? Yes.
More? No.
But until you have reason to experience love being given and received in a similar way, you may not understand that. And that’s okay. God didn’t call you to walk the same road as me.
I’m sure you’ve had your own experiences that taught you something about God that I haven’t learned yet.
And that’s okay, too.