The last number of months have been a desert season. Emotionally exhausting. Physically draining. Mentally taxing. Faith testing.
I don’t feel like I can share publicly all the things that have battered my heart and mind and body. Matter of fact, I haven’t felt like I could share the full picture even with the people closest to me. It’s been… a LOT… to carry alone. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT.
Because of the severity of what I’ve been dealing with, my mental, physical, and spiritual health have taken a huge hit. Have you ever dealt with depression so deep, so dark, so long, that it made it almost impossible to get out of bed in the morning – regardless of who or what was needing your attention? Yep. That’s where I’m at.
This isn’t the first time I’ve faced a similar battle, so I do have some tools I’ve been pulling out. New tools and better tools are always appreciated though, so I decided to post on the Ruby’s Rambles Facebook page, and compare notes with other women who have faced their own desert seasons. And women SHOWED UP.
Here’s what I posted:
“I think we can all agree that pithy Christian cliches aren’t helpful when you’re in a desert season of life. But can we talk about what IS helpful?
I’m not talking about a flat tire.
I’m talking about a long depression that feels like it will never end. I’m talking about financial struggles so big you don’t know how you’ll feed your kids dinner tomorrow night. I’m talking about an illness so deep and painful you doubt you’ll ever feel good again. I’m talking about a darkness so deep – and so long – that you almost can’t remember what light is like, and you wonder if God Himself has abandoned you.
I’m talking about a fight to hang onto your faith. Except that the weariness has taken over to the point that you don’t think you have what it takes to fight any longer.
If you have survived the kind of soul exhaustion I’m talking about, I would love to hear something about your story. How did you make it out of the desert season? What helped? What brought hope and light again? When did you realize God hadn’t abandoned you? And did you make it through the darkness and find light again?
Pull up a chair. Let’s talk. We’ve got ladies at this table that need to hear from some survivors.”
Desert Season Survivors
And women that are survivors SHOWED UP. Here are a few snippets from the comments:
“It took a lot, but learning to shift my perspective and lean on Him no matter the season, to remember He has gone before me and paved a way, I just need to keep taking a step as I follow His lead. Then, when I can’t seem to take another step and it feels like the waves are crashing down around me, I remember to look up, and I’ll see His hand reaching out to pull me back up. Then I can walk with Him through the storm, above the waves.
It doesn’t mean the struggle gets easier, it just means you aren’t the one doing the struggle. My mindset began to shift and I found more moments of joy, then began to find myself no matter what was happening, living continuously in joy. It’s amazing the transformation that can happen when you fully put your trust in Him.” – Jennifer M.
“I began to feel something shift inside when I focused on being thankful.” – Elona H.
“I’ve been through some stuff. Hard stuff. Before and after I gave my life to Jesus. To get through past hurts I have likened it to pulling glass slivers out of my heart. It looks all healed up and then the glass starts to push out, again. And it hurts again.
At first I dealt with it instinctively. I worshiped. Looked up to Jesus and shouted and cried and prayed it out until there was peace.
Then I realized I could head it off at the pass. I would see the challenge coming and get into a prayer closet for a minute or an hour. However long it would take.
My life began to be more peaceful and predictable as the past hurts began to heal. New challenges arrived and I dealt with them the same.
Recently I’ve come to see the problems are exaggerated by the amount of attention I give them. What I think about matters. I have begun to nip them in the bud by literally saying out loud, “I bind every thought that exalts itself above God.”
It sounds so small. But it has begun to shift my paradigm. I see my friends and loved ones and colleagues through a new lens – as people who really intend good and not evil to me. I see God as faithfully providing – not ready to judge me for every mistake.
Of course I add to the solution with the word of God daily, talking to Him continually, being thoughtful and kind to others instead of ducking back to my cocoon. But before all of that I shift my thinking. I make myself focus on something else.
The hard days get easier when you recognize their source. Your thoughts.” – Kris N.
“I have been through hell.
I’ve had to learn that anger at injustice and oppression is a very appropriate and holy response. And even in the times we are angry at God, He is big enough to handle that anger.
For quite a while I had to put most of the Bible “on hold” and only read the Gospels, Psalms, and Lamentations. I needed to “see Jesus” in a way I had never seen Him before. I got a clearer picture of His love, his goodness, and His heart for broken people.
I became much more selective of Christian resources I was following. One time I had joined a Christian women’s group on Facebook, and the admin did a post about not wanting people posting sad, negating things going on in their lives. I left the group. I wasn’t going to stick around for the “paste a smile on your face and act like everything is fine” brand of Christianity anymore. God will not meet us in the middle of a lie. And we can’t receive connection and support in the middle of a lie.
In modern American Christian culture, it is an act of rebellion to really grieve our wounds. But we have to be willing to grieve if we want to heal.” – Ashley R.
And Jayna J. reminded us of several encouraging things:
- Job’s wife – “If it feels like everything is falling down around you, and that no one even remembers that you’re there, take heart and hope from her story—she was blessed again as well.”
- Elijah – Naps, water, and food are holy things (summarized).
- “‘God won’t give you more than you can handle.’ What a load of malarkey. (That’s the nicest thing I can say about that phrase.) Paul writes several times in various letters about how they were so discouraged that they wanted to die. He tells us that it will absolutely be more than we can handle, but it’s never more than Jesus can handle. His strength is made known in our weakness.”
- “If it has been a long time since you have gone to the doctor, get a physical. Or get your blood work checked or something. God gave us doctors on purpose. The last time I was really getting back into depression cycles, my counselor told me to get my blood work done. So I did. I was deficient in several vitamins and minerals. Once I got that situation addressed, it was actually possible for me to move through the steps I needed to do in order to come back to functional and able to keep my depression symptoms managed. Don’t discount the wisdom available to us that comes from people who have studied how we are designed.”
- “Listen to worship music while you do stuff. If a worship song feels too hard to sing because you’re not sure if you believe the words yet, sing it in faith that it is true and that you will believe and know it someday. Feel free to ask God any questions about your situation. Feel free to tell Him EXACTLY how you are feeling—He’s not afraid of or shocked by your emotions, He made them and He has them too! Remind Him of whatever promise you so desperately need to be true in your own life. Ask Him to show you the ways that He is keeping that promise. He’ll come through. He’ll show up. He’s already with you. He’s already won the battle. It is already finished.”
No Big Red Bows for the Desert Season
I’m still in the middle of a very dark desert season. And I received private messages and emails this week from multiple heart-broken and devastated women in the middle of their own desert seasons, in unthinkable situations.
In the words of my friend Tandy H. – “I’m so sorry for the hurts in each person’s comment but I am so encouraged by the HOPE! So much wisdom and a community of women who have been through it… and are now willing to hold up each other’s arms in the battle.”
I prefer blog posts that I can conclude with all the loose ends neatly wrapped up in a big red bow. I can’t with this one. Because the loose ends aren’t wrapped up for some of us. And even the courageous survivors who shared pieces of their hearts and their stories this week will likely have more battles ahead of them, another desert season. For now, we can walk in the light that we have, walk in the truth we know, be honest about our doubts and questions with God – and with safe people we can trust, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
A few verses I’m hanging onto in my desert season:
“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12)
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” (Psalm 27:13)
“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.” (Psalm 23:6a)
Further reading on the topic of seeking truth: Truth Brings Freedom